I always dislike the blog posts that have to give ten thousand reasons why blogging has been pushed to the back-burner when really I just want someone to jump right in. However, the past few weeks every single time I've slowly started to dip my toe into the blogging world either the water's been too cold and my thoughts too jumbled and I haven't known what to say, or a sudden wave of life has come crashing down at precisely the moment I'd planned to tap down my thoughts on the keys. Tonight, we'll get past all the awkward "how do you do's?" and instead, just jump right in.
I'm still here, my trusty camera by my side. I suppose if you're wondering at the lack of frequency of posting, you could picture a million puzzle pieces all coming together as to "why". The heaviness of foster care on my mind, the stacks of books by the bedside that beg to be read, my little girls who are turning into big girls, the random craft afternoons the girls and I have had, the playdates, the spontaneous zoo trip, the cooking, the movie and show watching, the current state of politics in the U.S., the uncertainty of the future for our family as we dive into foster care and/or adoption, the not knowing how to answer "how are you?' and waiting that quick second to see if a person really wants to know or not.
The not knowing where to even start is another good place to start I suppose. A million little things, a million little reasons, a million little puzzle pieces all scattered to and fro that someday, will come together and make a million little blog posts. Or maybe even a book!
There keeps being so many circumstances and heart matters that I try to process lately that feel like opening a door and then seeing there's another door to dive even deeper into. Once you open that one, you guessed it-Another door! Life is full of door after door of decisions and deep, deep thoughts lately and often in my free time it's the music, the podcasts, the books, that turn the dial down for a bit and give my mind and soul time to rest. I feel such a funny responsibility to this blog though. If even to show up and say "I'm over here processing. Be back soon." The truth is I write my own blog for my own self and go back to years past and re-read them. I know I will want this puzzle piece to remember years down the road.
I've also read two books lately that have changed my thinking on the Internet and how we spend our time. I suppose they can both be held responsible for the silence at times too.
The first is What falls from the sky: How I disconnected from the Internet and reconnected with the God who made the clouds and the second, Chasing Slow.
If you are finding yourself like I was, scrolling through social media for "fun" while your anxiety is through the roof, these might be for you! Both of these books have made me fall even more in love with life. Real life. The tangible, delicious, life that we can reach out and touch. The eyes we can look into, the hands we can hold, the hugs we can give, the help we can offer.
Like right across the street.
The foster kids in our own cities.
The elderly at the grocery store who need someone to chat with.
The real connections in real life, like meeting an Instagram follower at the bank.
(although I DO have to give social media props for that one!)
I found myself, over the past few weeks, reaching for Instagram and the like when I may have felt tired, lonely, or sad. Although this is better for my hips than junk food, it certainly didn't do my mind any favors. I noticed my anxiety was inching upwards so I made the conscious decision to turn the computer off after breakfast and hide my phone, where it would have to ring for me to notice it.
What do you know! As soon as I turned these off, so much beautiful life came flooding back in that I'd so desperately missed. So. Much. Beautiful. Life.
To Internet or not?
That seems to be the question.
I say to Internet.
But also, to turn it off when the social media world gets too loud and the leaves, smiles, needs, meals, and music in our real worlds get too quiet.