Happy 10 years to us !! (I would choose you over and over)

An oldie, but a goodie.  As are all of the photos in this post! 

Tomorrow is our 10th wedding anniversary!! 

I feel like this deserves about a million exclamation points. 

I'm just so darn proud and happy and excited to be celebrating 10 years! 

I mean, can you even handle this? 

The girls and I went on a little walk down memory lane, looking through old memories and photographs.  Each time a photo flitted across the screen a thousand memories, lessons, heart aches, joys, and tears caught in my throat.  I'm not being dramatic here, this has just been such a ride with Brett by my side.  

We've traveled to Italy, St. John, Eureka Springs, Florida, camping, and many other places in-between together.  We've honeymooned at Big Cedar Lodge and taken too many boat rides to count.  In fact, we were even engaged out on the lake. 

We first met at church, then started emailing, transitioned to phone calls at night, went on our first date, and the rest they say, is history.  A month after our first date I told my twin I was going to marry Brett.  He likes to tease and say once we went on our first date he couldn't get away from me! (lol) ;)

We've had two babies of our own, seventeen months apart. 

We've been an open home for adoption, as well as foster care. 

We've held Brett's dad's hand night after night, as he was in hospice care.

We've tended the farm, remembering his dad each day.

We've had sleepless days and weeks and months. 

We've dated each other well, having fun at concerts, nights out, bowling, riding the Ranger on the farm, dinners on the back deck, cooking and canning together, and sharing music tastes.

Our first date was at Hugo's, a place we've frequented often since.

(our first, awkward, nervous picture taken together at the Tulsa Zoo)

We've seen Brett graduate with his Master's while we were newlyweds, seen me choose to stay at home with our babies, and now are watching as I go back to work, an old season closed and a new season opening. 

We've been through old jobs, new jobs, and a bit of growing up together.

We've lived in a tiny, one-bedroom condo and then built our house on the farm.  

We've communicated well and communicated horribly, sometimes all in the same day. 

We've learned to love each other really, really well and ease past the in-between moments when we're not our best selves.  We haven't been perfect or really even anything NEAR perfect.  But we're still here, still choosing one another happily. 

We've had home repairs, an emergency c-section, things we saw coming and things we didn't. We've bravely faced heavy, awful, postpartum depression and "then came the morning", as one of our favorite bands sing about. (The Lone Bellow)

We've survived the ice storm that took out our power for days and created months of clean-up afterwards.

Still, we've always had each other.

I was telling my mom-in-law this week that I remember sitting in our boat on Table Rock Lake on our honeymoon, watching Brett from a distance carrying the ice chest.

For a quick minute I remember thinking how strange it felt that me and him, we were together for good.  Day in and out.  All day in and out.  For better or worse.  Of course, I loved him deeply and dearly and wanted to be married so badly to him.  It just felt foreign that I couldn't hide at my own place anymore on a bad day, or cover my insecurities.  They were all there, for Brett to help hold now too.

 It doesn't feel strange now.  In fact, I miss Brett when he's at work and usually have a list of things to talk to him about when he gets home.  He's my favorite person, ever. He's my shelter from life's storms, knows every insecurity I have, and still gladly chooses me and loves me day in and out. He makes me laugh more than anyone, makes our girls squeal with joy more than anyone, is ever so faithful, and loves Jesus better each year.

We're still stupidly stubborn sometimes (ok, well I am at least), say things we shouldn't, and have plenty of room to grow in our love.  I guess it's a good thing we'd choose each other over and over and over.  That's just what we'll do, for years to come.  Plenty to learn still, plenty of belly laughs to share, plenty of adventure to go.

Our story has been beautiful to me.  It's not a story that often makes it to social media because it's ours and sacred.  But today, thanks for letting me share.

Living in fight or flight

Happy Sunday lovelies! I want to pop in and give a quick nugget of truth my chiropractor shared with me during my most recent adjustment.  He asked if I still blogged and I responded with a yes and then told him about the super long foster care post I'd just written.  I said it was too sad/hard for me to have to explain our story over and over so I was hoping the blog post would help clear the air a bit. 

He then responded along the lines of this-

When our bodies/minds/hearts are replaying old hurts over and over we're making our bodies take that "fight or flight" path.  That path for me feels like anxiety, stress, and unnecessary exhaustion. 

The same goes for the future.  When we choose to look ahead and play over and over in our minds what we think will happen, again we are forcing our bodies into that fight or flight reactive mode.  This mode keeps us alive and is necessary for our survival, sure.  

But it's not healthy to live day in and day out in this mode.

I had never realized how much power WE actually have over not only our minds, but our body's physical reactions day in and out. 

There's a Sunday Sabbath truth for you to dwell on! 

Courtesy of my chiropractor. 

(Need an excellent chiropractor who also knows their stuff when it comes to health? 

Check out Generations Health and Wellness in Fayetteville for the sweetest/smartest husband and wife duo for all your chiropractic needs! )

Social media is like sugar.

Listen, can we just call out something for what it is on this hot Friday? The odd little world social media has created is crazy.  I don't know a nicer or more accurate way to put it.  Just this last week I read several women's posts and listened to their IG stories where they confessed the curated, picture-perfect HUSTLE of the internet was making them feel bad.  I even quickly responded to one gal's video and said that yes, sometimes my self-esteem plummets after scrolling through social media.  You can only browse through so many size 4 bods with flat tummies and toned arms before your size 8 bod starts to give the sad side eye.  

Y'all, this is just garbage.  Absolute garbage. 

I often watch my girls play uninterrupted and not once do they stop to worry about the future, lament about the past, or compare themselves and feel bad.  (Ok, except for maybe when playing a game of checkers with their Nana and then their comparison game is strong, lol)  My point is, they just play.  They're free.  Their only thought being "when is the next snack?" and "will mom let us have ice cream?".   

The part I don't want to admit?  We're all feeding the crazy.  We do it to ourselves! 

I think we would all be so much happier and breathe deeper if we put down our phones and lived our lives.  Then, picked the phones back up as a means of connection, sharing our businesses, and closing the gap between your life and mine.  Then, repeat.  Back to our own lives. 

Because if your life is anything like mine, it's always a mix of everything. 

It's made up of healthy days and struggle days. 

Big, belly laughs and sad sighs. 

Deep breathing and falling into bed completely spent after another summer day with the kids all day.

It's a life full of deep friendships that never even make it to social media. 

My life is full with things like boring house chores, friendships, teaching Sunday school, getting to know my neighbors, trying to eat and exercise for health, dating my man (married almost 10 years!), running my photography business, and getting ready to enter the teaching world again. 

My days are full of my girls, the farm and garden, trying to be disciplined and learn and grow as a human being, cooking, and actually getting out into this BIG, beautiful world instead of hiding at home.  My days are both happy and sad and usually a combo of both.  I don't have everything, or much of anything really, "figured out."  I DO have a long bucket list and dreams and hopes and a journal I keep daily. A lot of that (most of it) never makes it to social media either.  

You are the perfect body type.  

You have an abundant life.  Right now. 

The people around you so desperately need you. 

There is beauty to be found in your days. 

Social media is like sugar.  Just a bit is all we need. 

There is nothing wrong with you or I. 

No one is perfecting their marriage, friendships, cooking, outfits, body, traveling, work, children, and social life all at once. I just don't believe it. 

We're all just doing the best we can. 

It's garbage to feel less than after scrolling. 

Just put the phone down and dance it out! 

Years that ask questions and years that answer (our closed foster care home)

 I've been putting this blog post off, shoving it to the back of my mind to let the cobwebs gather.  I just haven't known how to write it or where to start, but today I feel just brave enough to wipe the cobwebs away and take a stab at putting this into words.  May I also say that I'm here not because I feel like I owe the internet an explanation for anything, but because the passion and heartache and need behind foster care is too big to keep quiet.  Plus I keep getting asked questions when I'm out and about and I'd rather just let everyone know so I don't have to keep repeating myself. 

We closed our home to foster care after our little one moved to their new foster home. In short, we didn't ask for them to move or make this decision. 

I have no doubts that it was the right decision for us to close our home after though.  When praying about, discussing, or making these kinds of choices I communicate with Brett and then the girls and that's it.  In the past I've looked wildly around for any kind of feedback or reaction from others to "help" guide my way but it hasn't ever served me well.  So I won't go into great detail in such a public space about our decision, but you can be sure it was the right one for us to make.  But still, more painful than most realize.  

With that said, even though our home may be closed (meaning we aren't taking foster care placements), our hearts definitely are not.  This is a very hard thing to try and describe quickly!  I have been asked "So you're still taking other kids, right?" too many times to count lately and the surprised reaction I get when I answer just feels like such a let down.  As in, like we're letting others down.  For the record, I don't feel like we've let anyone or anything down.  It's just my sensitive heart's reaction to others that I have to keep in check. 

So what do I mean by "Our home is closed, but not our hearts" ?  Well, in short it means that there are so many different needs in the foster care world and every single day I still wake up with foster care on my heart and in my mind.  I expected we'd close our home and that little season of life would move on, my heart and thoughts moving along with it.  But it hasn't.  

Since we closed our home a couple of months ago we have been taking time to find our new normal and try to heal up a bit from the heartache of saying goodbye to our little one.  This is easier said than done.  Can I just say I'm also surprised by people's reactions when I say we had our little one six months and they act like "why are you still so heartbroken?".  May I gently ask-how did you feel about your child after "only" six months?  Would you be able to say goodbye and move on super fast and easily?  

Within the past couple of months we've also been praying about how to help next.  It's been difficult to know how to share our journey without coming across as sounding preachy.  You guys, I read so many posts and updates before we became an open home that didn't encourage me at all to help, but instead just left me feeling rotten because of the ultimatum type statements made about how we SHOULD be doing foster care.  These always felt kind of harsh to me.  That's never my intent here.  I actually don't think every single family should be a foster family.  BUT, I do think there is tremendous need that most of us have no idea about, in the foster care world.  I think most of us have  no idea about the heartache, trauma, and need, happening just minutes from our front doors.  I used to leave the DHS office, and look just a few feet over at the Barnes and Noble and Chick-fil-a full of happy families, and wonder how so much "normal" life was swirling around this building where there are literal angels doing the hardest work on the planet, where children are experiencing trauma we choose to know nothing about. You all, there is TREMENDOUS need and there are a million ways to help, big or small.  I think *almost* all of us, whether you're a Christian or not, can help and should.  I add the Christian part, because I am one and God could not be more clear in his word about taking care of the orphans.  And the orphans abound where I live and I'm sure where you live too.  

So what if you're like me and maybe you don't feel called to take in foster kids but you DO feel called to help?  What if instead of a few people doing a LOT of hard work, we all stepped in to help and lessened the load for others? 

 Let me give you a few small examples: 

Did you know there is a foster care clothing closet?  Think for just a minute-it doesn't get stocked, organized, and shopped all by itself.  Is this your strength?  This is a way to help.  Have nice clothes, baby items, or kid items to donate?  Contact The Call on FB!

Do you love to cook?  People outside of the foster care world don't typically understand (at all) how much "extra" there is with a foster child.  And most foster families have sibling sets, not just one child like we did.  Between the extra activities, therapies, appointments, etc.  taking dinner to a family is a lifesaver.  We had people bring us food a couple of times and it just took a load off.  SO, if you love to cook why not donate some freezer meals to The Call foster care ministry or ask for a family you can bless with a meal.  Don't like to cook?  Buy a pre-made meal or gift card to a restaurant or even drop off groceries.  ANYTHING HELPS. 

The first night we had our little one was unlike anything I'd experienced before. I'll just leave it at that.  It was traumatic.  My sister brought over a giant gift basket with things for our baby and for us too.  This kind gesture still sticks out in my mind as just grace and love in real life form.  Like, I'm gulping tears typing that.  

Project Zero is a non-profit organization in Little Rock, AR that seeks to find homes for children in foster care.  There are many opportunities to volunteer your time, gifts, money, or talents. 

Did you know you can volunteer to be a FFSS (I believe I got that right) family?  This means you can be a Foster Family Support System for an actual foster family.  In short, you fill out some paperwork and then have permission to watch a family's foster kids for up to 72 hours.  I have no words to describe how badly foster parents need a break.  But they are only allowed to leave their foster kids with a FFSS family.  Foster kiddos have been through so much trauma already that it would really benefit them to have another loving, stable family that they know they can stay with for a few hours.  I heard over and over that foster families didn't have ANYONE willing to be their support family and so they just never got a break.  Again, couldn't we all help and then lessen the load?

Another opportunity to serve I can quickly think of is being a CASA volunteer.  This is a volunteer that is an advocate for foster kids in the court room.  We had the best CASA lady I could have imagined helping with our little one.  She was thorough, kind, gentle, and truly wanted the best for our little one.  I'm sure you can google how to be a CASA volunteer!

My last thoughts are: Don't leave your friends or church members out who are foster families! Also, don't assume their lives are just the same as before, but with a few more kids.  Both are false.  Foster families want to be involved in things!  I will say there were certain times I was invited to things and then others shared horror story after horror story about foster care with me while making small talk.  Just FYI, don't do that. (lol)  It's like when moms share their most horrible birthing story with a pregnant mom.  It's just not helpful or restful in my opinion. 

But also, DO know that a foster families life has changed drastically.  I remember often feeling like we were barely keeping our heads above water, but because our little one looked like they could have been mine we would go out and no one knew the true story happening in our home.  I don't mean that we should have gone around breaking privacy rules sharing details of our story or anything like that.  I just mean, when the foster families around you are "quiet", it's most likely because they aren't allowed to share pics or details or they just don't know how to articulate what's going on.  It doesn't mean that life has smoothly sailing along.  I would encourage you to be there for both the highs and the lows. 

Because there were many of both. 

Adoption was a dream of mine for years and years.  In fact, when I hear the word or read a story about it, it still makes me cry.  There's a quote I've heard often that basically says to pay attention to your tears.  I sure do.  Usually what makes me tear up quickly and consistently is hitting on a nerve in my heart that God isn't done with yet.  Why did our story "end", at least for now, without adoption being a part?  I don't know.  But at least for now we have the honor of remaining a bit broken, which in turn gives us eyes to see the needs around us and a heart desperate to help. 

"There are years that ask questions and years that answer."-Zora Neale Hurston 

Before becoming an open foster care home, we had a year that asked a LOT of questions. 

Our year as a foster care home answered many of them.

Now I suppose we're back to another year of questions, and that's ok. 

Our family was tremendously changed (for the better!) by serving as a foster care family.  Not a single regret here.  Now to see what's next!

Do you have additional questions? 

Will you consider how you can be a light for someone living in darkness?

Praying this hits you the right way.  This post was hard for me to write and I must have swallowed a dozen times while typing, trying not to cry.  I hope you hear my heart clearly and with grace and grit shining through.  

Summer 'round here.

I've been longing to pop into this space.  As an almost textbook introvert I overthink just about everything when it comes to my words and heart. So warning: I'm just going to jump in today and not worry that I'm only giving you the highlight reel.  Because want to know a secret?  

I am only showing the highlight reel for now! On purpose.  I read a quote by Glennon Doyle last week that has just given me the biggest sigh of relief and head nod because I get it.  She says "No completing but no abandoning.  The secret is to not allow the fact that you can't do everything keep you from doing something.  Something, then rest.  Something, then rest.  Everyday-at some point-I put it all away and melt into my people and my couch and food and gratitude and -joy!-and I forget it all.  Then I go to sleep and wake up and begin again.  Begin and quit everyday! No problem."

The real world isn't rosy and that isn't lost on me.  I know it, I see it, I feel it, I ache because of it.  Photography, blogging, and journaling are the way I rest and "quit", if you will.  They are my armor against a cruel world, my rosy remedy.  

So let's get started, shall we? 

1.) I captured this magical shot during our July 3rd fireworks extravaganza and it took my breath away.  I wasn't even looking through the camera lens, but instead was shooting from "the hip".  Want to know a secret?  This is often the method I use to get my most magical, favorite shots. 

2.) The girls have done Legos for daeaaaays.  I can't even imagine a house or table without the tiny plastic pieces invading every space.  I wouldn't have it any other way. 

3.) We went to Brett's mom's house for our 4th of July celebration and it was a lot of fun!  Fireworks are on my list of things that never, ever, EVER get old.  I even talked Brett into buying a pack of extra-long sparklers to save for my birthday in a couple of months.  The kids especially liked the fireworks this year and getting to stay up late. 

3.) We went camping again a couple of weeks ago!  I think there are mostly two types of people in this world: the outdoorsy/camping type and those who prefer not to do either!  You can guess which type I am.  This was a really, really great trip.  We like to camp at Dam Site Park, which is a campground super close to Beaver Lake and right on the White River.  We enjoy boating on the river, cooking delicious food and relaxing at the campsite, and exploring one of our favorite towns, Eureka Springs.  I have become friends with one of the art shop owners and got a great, big hug from her when I walked into her shop.  It just doesn't get better than that. 

And for those of you wondering, the campsite really doesn't get as hot as you'd think because of the cool air blowing off of the White River.  We also pack a stand-up fan to plug in right outside our camper door and our pop-up has air-conditioning.  (hallelujah) 

4.)  The flowers alone take my breath away this time of year.  It just feels so much friendlier outside when there are flowers waiting to greet me!  I always miss them terribly in the winter.  Something about the zinnias especially catch my eye.  Perhaps it's the layers or the ombre color.

5.)  Our garden is coming along nicely too!  We have just started to pick our first ripe tomatoes and there isn't anything like them.  There just isn't!  The flavor, with a bit of salt, and the juiciness is incomparable.  We also have okra, onion, peppers, and some kale growing.  

6.)  Some more out of order camping photos! 

Isn't that water just glistening so wonderfully?  I'm definitely a water gal.  Get me near the beach, a creek, river, or lake and I am just happy as I can be.  

We have just a few weeks of summer left and then it's on to work for me and off to school for the girls!  What is on your summer list that we should add to ours? 

What are you reading/listening to/watching?

I am reading a food memoir,

listening to the Relevant Podcast and Leon Bridges,

and watching Food Network, America's Got Talent, and World of Dance (when I have time!).

I'm looking forward to: a mini girl's trip,

an anniversary trip (10 years!!),

Mama Mia 2,

and compiling a film from my last photo session. 

I'm having to let go of a few expectations or at least go with "good enough" in a few areas of life this summer, like exercise/eating perfectly 24/7, a clean house, and getting everything on my to-do list done every single day.