I'm just as scared as you are.

2020 is going to be an interesting year.  An exciting one.  A challenging one.  I'm not ready to jump into a public blog conversation about all that God has loaded into my heart and mind for the upcoming year, but one thing I am ready to share is that I'm just as scared as you are.  What an uplifting way to start a post, huh! You thought you were here for help. :) 

But seriously, I have anxiety demons worse than most would realize.  BUT, I'm figuring out a way around them.  So lean in close and let me see if I can help you with your own "scaries". 

This year I'll go for it, in several aspects of life.  It might look like from the outside that I'm fearless, but the truth is I'm sometimes almost scared stiff, paralyzed to the point of panic.  But, as Bishop T.D. Jakes said in a recent podcast, "Sister, you're going to have to be scared and do it anyway!" Because we're not talking about rational fears I'm dealing with.  I'm not even talking about overloading myself and my life and then fearing how I'll handle the stress.  I'm a wise steward of my time, talents, health, and life.  Yet, the anxiety and fear still talk LOUD.  Unnecessarily so. I KNOW I'm meant to move forward with several BIG things in life.  So how to get around the hurdles of hopeless self-talk that could hinder the entire new season God is beckoning me to?

Take a race I'm currently training for, which is a combination of running/biking. 

Bet you didn't see that coming, huh? The librarian/artist trains for a race.  When I first started training about a month ago I was extremely intimidated to even try and run on a trail.  Something I haven't done in about 10 years and definitely not with a mom body and schedule. 

Yet, I tried anyway, scared and all.  It went better than I expected.

Today I was VERY nervous to try a 2 mile run followed by a loop around the lake on my bike, a 5.6 mile ride.  I was just as scared as you would have been.  

But I did it anyway.  I finished! Nothing bad happened, I felt stronger physically than I expected, and my brave muscle got stronger too. How proud I was of myself.  I was definitely feeling more ready afterwards to try again, after slaying the negativity and going for it despite feeling scared.

Something that's really helping me truly step into a season of trying new things without running the other direction is battling my inner voices.  The negative ones and the BIG, anxious one that tries to consume me and keep me paralyzed.  An easy, tangible way I've conquered these voices in baby steps is by talking back to them.  Talking to myself essentially.  Don't worry, I do it silently so I don't look crazy.  Today I wrote the word "light" on the back of my hand and I looked at it and said the bible verse that prompted the word as I rode. 

1 Peter 2:9

"But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, God's special possession, that you may declare the praises of him who called you out of darkness and into his wonderful light." 

Remember, I'm just as scared as you are sometimes. 

But after listening to your God-given wisdom and weeding through what you REALLY should be cautious of and what's just extra noise the negativity and anxious demons have hurled your way, rebuke them.  Speak back to them.  Feel your heart pound and try it anyway, whatever your "it" is.  It gets easier, this trying new things.  Your brave muscle gets stronger.  

The word for living on the other side of all that paralyzing panic? 

Exhilarating.  I promise.  There is just nothing like doing something you thought you couldn't.  Or trying something you never even dreamed of doing.  It's surprising and surreal.  It's not easy, don't get me wrong.  But the reward of daring greatly is the richest stuff of life.