I'm kind of a big deal.....except for when I'm not. Learning the ultimate lesson this summer, not having a teaching job yet, and the army of rosy things that have kept me going.

Ok, let me first start by saying this picture was a joke and made me belly laugh! It all started when I saw a sign at the Dollar Tree a few weeks before that said "I'm kind of a big deal."  I thought it was sarcastic and hilarious and bought it, only showing it to Brett because come on! I'm not really that stuck on myself and I didn't know who else would get the humor. 

Fast forward to a trip to Tulsa with my twin and best friend. I saw this mug and immediately made my favorite face to go along with it and made my sis laugh so hard her nose scrunched up.  It still makes me laugh to think about it! So this picture to me, is priceless.

You want to know why else it's priceless? Because this same weekend I was joking around and making myself laugh, I was also talking to my friends about feeling down and not being able to shake it.  See, sometimes when we only see the cute, funny photos on social media we don't know the pain that might lie beneath.  Or when we see trips galore, styled shots, and perfectly posed selfies we might forget about the head and heart behind the account itself. 

I'm going to be honest.  I have worked so incredibly hard to get a full-time teaching job since last spring and it just hasn't happened yet. This has been very humbling and hard, especially when people ask or wonder why you haven't even had an interview yet.  I've done everything in my power (and then some) to get a job and so far it just hasn't worked.  To say it's been discouraging would be an understatement.  I have fought anxiety and discouragement hard this summer.  Now, in reality there are still 3 weeks until school starts and I may very well end up with a teaching job!  Only time will tell.  But you know what has been one of the hardest things? Not knowing how to bring all this up and be truthful.  I see, hear, and read about plenty of people going after their dreams and totally #makingit.  Yet what about when the "plans" don't go the way you expected? What about when you don't feel like a big deal based on what you see happening around you, yet you still feel incredibly called on the inside?   I've also stayed silent because I've been embarrassed, wondering if someone would rather hire a young, college grad instead of a mom.  I have lived in stay-at-home mom world by choice for so long and breaking into the working mom world has felt a bit lonely.  

So world-here is my confession: This summer hasn't just been the dreamy photos you see in this space or on IG.  It's also been extremely hard, full of discussions that never seem to stop circling, checking job sites daily, emailing anyone and everyone I could EVER think of to put in a good word for me, and time that sadly, has been wasted with worry.  I hate even admitting that, but it's true. 

I will say this week I've had a bit of a mental shift at least and that feels like relief.  Anna and I have been sick this week and it has left me flat on my back a couple of days in a row.  Without being able to do much it's given me time to truly pray, think, and sleep.  I've thought back over sermons I've listened to on the Transformation Church podcast, read my bible, and looked for signs to hear from God just about anywhere.  Show up anywhere, He will.  Did you know you can even hear from God while watching AGT, What Not to Wear, and Chopped? Turns out, you can. 

Here is the ultimate lesson I am learning to sit with.  "And if not....He is still good." 

A popular phrase you can find all over the socials, but it isn't just a cute catch-phrase to me.  It MEANS something.  If I get the teaching job, God is good!

And if not...He is still good. 

If things go according to my plans, God is good. 

And if not, He is still good. 

I don't know that I've fully grasped that until now.  On my lowest days this summer, I have reminded myself that God. is. still. GOOD!! Then I have looked hard for the happy, the joy, the army of rosy! And boy have the glimpses of grace and small moments of happiness shown up! THAT is what you see when you look at my blog and IG. 

An imperfect, sensitive soul whose life isn't going how she expected, but is looking for "life in pink" anyway. 

I made a deal with myself a long time ago-that if I was going to participate in the online world I had to do it with authenticity.  I've struggled to write this post, yet I knew if I did end up getting a job and only posted that and the excitement, the glitter and sparkles wouldn't be truly authentic or truth-tellers.  Instead, my heart and life are more like a surface with a beautiful patina, worn smooth yet still shining.  Another truth-bomb I've been hit with these past couple of weeks is how powerful our minds are!  In the words of Pastor Mike from Transformation Church podcast, "what I see matters!" 

I have decided to change how I see.  What that means in real life is that if school starts and things haven't changed, I'll go back and be the best teacher's aide I can.  I'm also pondering opening my Etsy shop back up, taking on some photo sessions, and teaching a photography class or two.  If I do get a teaching job, a lot of my creativity will go into that! 

Something that has been made VERY clear to me this summer is how much of an artist I truly am! Whether picking up my camera, paintbrush, or laptop to write a book, you literally can't separate me from art.  It's just exactly who I am. 

And you know what artists do really, really well? We look at things others see as trash, rubble, or a discarded dump and we make something completely interesting and beautiful out of it.  

We are the magic makers, the wonder weavers, the go-getters, the imagination stations.

Whether things go the way I expect or not, God is still good. 

And I am an artist and will allow God to create a masterpiece out of what comes next.