I only have to be a wave.

(iPhone 6 snap from FL)

"I have only one thing to do and that's be the wave that I am-and then sink back into the ocean."

-Fiona Apple

So this is me, being my own wave and coming up onto shore to say hello.  It's been a while since I've felt like posting and really we shouldn't even waste our breath there.  I'm finding I much prefer the unseen, unshared, quiet life on the other side of the screen.  The other day I found myself remembering how I used to post several times a day on IG and I wondered what was there even to say?  What a race this social media has become! I'm just not here for it.  Give me your real life, long and drawn out blog posts, your selfie without a thigh gap, your conversations we would sit down and REALLY have over coffee.  That's what I want to hear and see and the other side of the screen! 

I'm back on today and will be here and there over the summer.  I just can't quit sharing the rosy, as many times as you've heard me say this, it's still true.  I listened to a TedTalk last night (this one) and one of the lines that jumped off the screen at me and stuck right in my heart was this-"I believe that in the darkness, even there, there will be beauty and there will be love." 

This truth is one that I have found an authentic truth many times over in my life.  A million times really. Sometimes the wave that I am feels choppy, the waters rough, angry almost.  But when I sink back into the ocean (my Maker, God) I find even in that darkness there is beauty and love.  Forever and always.  Over the past few weeks school got out for summer and we headed immediately to the Buffalo River for a couple of days.  After a quick stop at home to pack we then headed to our favorite part of Florida for a week.  It was paradise, mostly.  My highly-sensitive, introverted self always gets a bit thrown off by transitions, change, and being off schedule.  Yet, something about the sea will forever reach the deepest crevices of my soul that nothing else really quite reaches.  Our first night on the beach I was so exhausted my entire body just hurt.  Yet I found myself praying a bit and staring out into the waters, wondering if they still held their magical power.  Turns out, they did.  I felt tears spring into my eyes, that familiar lump of tears that I quickly swallowed down.  The healing, rest, and wonder was all still there in the ocean, waiting to let my weary soul take shelter for the week. 

Since we've been back home I've continued navigating the waters of searching for a full-time teaching job.  It's tough.  It means reaching out, asking people to name-drop (SO not me), checking daily for new jobs, and mailing resumes and hopes off at the local post office. Then repeat, repeat, repeat.

My health (both mental and physical) has also been swept up in the busyness and gotten off track.  I admit, my first thought is shame.  Shame that I'm here once again, needing to consistently make better choices, as this was my hardest struggle as working mom.  Yet, as I find myself making one better choice at a time, it's easier to make the next one.  I actually do have a ton of knowledge about how to treat my body well.  It's putting it into practice that is more difficult. I think we as women need more women to lean in close and say out loud how hard this is.  Especially those of us mamas! We are practically chefs and dietitians all at once for our families.  It can be very easy to get off track.

That's where I find myself at this exact week in the summer.  On the one hand, dealing with some things in life that are just plain difficult.  Things to mention in this space, others to not. On the other hand, so many photos on my phone and camera of beauty, light, wonder, joy, color, and interesting people and places that I wonder how I'll ever catch up and even look through them all.  And that's even with me really cutting down on documenting! 

Isn't this life all the things at once? I suppose that's my biggest takeaway from life lately.  It can be both tragic and tremendous, messy and magical, rosy and very real life, hard and hilarious.  All rolled up into one life.  I hope you get that message loud and clear when you pop in here.  I want this space to feel more like a peek into my journal and less like a lifestyle magazine.  My favorite people are the ones that are who they are, and the ones that talk food.  When you pop in here for the rosy, don't forget my life is as real life as yours.  When you talk to me in real life, please don't expect me to have a permanent smile (even though I do a lot anyways), or to have it all together. I don't.  I'm just a wave, doing my best to sink back into the ocean.