Called to foster care

I could write to you about the many weeks and months we've spent sitting across from one another, working out the whispers and messages God has dropped into our hearts, both separately and together.  I could show you my journal pages, hidden from the social media eye but full to the brim of questions, very little answers, and prayer after prayer for the next step for our family. 

I could write ballads by the bucketfuls about the long days and weeks and months of waiting on adoption news.  I could speak for hours about the things that began to get our attention during the silence, needs both here in the U.S. and from afar.  I could give you organizations and ministries by the list, of people hungry for both food and God.  I could tell you how spoiled I feel when our internet doesn't work and I "have" to do something else.  

I could write about entering the new year as a waiting family for adoption and winding through the months of nothing working out, yet everything working out at the same time.  I could paint you a picture of the looks and raised eyebrows Brett and I gave each other as we started to say "Maybe.....?"

I could do so much but for today I will explain it this way.  During these long months of waiting for adoption to happen, my eyes have been opened like they've never been before to the great needs of orphans in the world.  I described it in a journal entry as peeking around a stage curtain.  Whereas I used to fill journals with BIG ideas and dreams all about wanting to be the center stage star, now when I peel the curtain back and look my heart stops in my throat for I am met with the BIG gaze of so many eyes, so many needy people sitting in the seats looking back at me.  I can't forget those eyes and those seats, so many seats filled, if I tried.  I am forever changed. 

It came to our attention throughout all my research on orphan care that foster care is a great need.  We certainly "knew" this before, or so we thought.  We had our doubts and questions but as we began to ask the brave, beautiful, BOLD souls who are actually knee-deep in foster care, we found our questions answered, our confidence doubled and tripled, our calling sure. 

This week we closed the door with our adoption agency and instead, will begin our journey with foster care in December.  We look forward to loving on whomever God places in our home and sharing our journey with you! 

Dear 91 photos,

Dear 91 photos,

I sat down at the kitchen table today with the wind blowing the curtains just right.  Gentle enough to soothe, but yet enough of a roar for the wind to not let me forget it was there.  The sunshine dappled in, flitting this way and that as it does in the fall.  My coffee was near, my camera full to the brim with photos from the past few weeks.  To completely set the mood (as if the sun and wind and coffee weren't enough) I put my favorite Spotify station on and clicked my camera on.

It is a sacred act, this turning on of the camera.  It is much like opening a book and watching wonderful words tumble out or putting a new cd on, knowing the lyrics and melodies will sink into the nooks and crannies of the best part of your heart and soul.  Photographs do that for me.  I especially love when I have a full camera, because it means my mind and eyes and soul are working as they should.  It means my emotions are checked in, feeling all the feels..  Please notice, 91 photos, that I didn't say it means my emotions are perky, happy, and rosy.  They run the full gamut, just as God intended.  

Today as I clicked through each photo I did as I always do-I gave myself a split second or two for a response.  I don't know how to explain how my heart talks to my head about which photos to keep and pair up with words, but somehow it just does.  You, my dear 91 photos, are what stayed.  I continued to edit each of you, eyes filling with tears occasionally but more often than not, my smile beaming.  I debated stopping right there, simply plunking each photo into its proper blog post and moving on with my day.  And then I began to wonder-do they know what gifts these are? Do they know how funny life is?  How good God is?

I was driving down the road a month ago, at almost dusk.  I was praying aloud because I happened to be in the car alone. This is a rare treat for me and I have a feeling God enjoys the sound of my voice just as much as I enjoy his company.  We were chatting, God and I and then suddenly a spider-web on an old, country fence caught my eye.  It was glorious, simply stunning.  I began to pray this prayer aloud-"Father, I don't know why you've given me these eyes to see, but boy have you ever! Do you think, out of the hundreds of people that drove past here today, anyone else noticed the web?  Thank-you for giving me eyes to see, the different, the lovely, the beautiful, the little bits of rosy in the everyday routine.  It is a gift.  It is such a gift.  It is a gift."

That day and this one, I couldn't stop repeating that to such a good God.  He has given me such a gift to notice. When I say "gift" I imagine your brain thinks I'm saying I'm talented.  Yet that's not what I mean at all.  Our family is in a different season than we've ever been in, where growth abounds like never before.  It started with our adoption journey, which we thought was the end of our growth.  We didn't know it was only the beginning. We've seen too much and know too much and are called to too much concerning the poor in spirit and orphans and just people in general to act like our story is already over.  We have maybe just dipped a toe in the water of what God has for us, what He has for us to minister to those around us. We are forever changed, forever undone, forever feeling hope and happiness and heartbreak all at once, usually all within the same day. 

I imagine stepping into this calling to care, without the gift of noticing and I just can't do it.  It is because of having eyes to see and documenting the God-beauty that is tucked into the very nooks and crannies of life that I am able to walk straight into the depths of darkness and shine a light.  I have learned no matter where I go, there God is.  I am convinced that nothing can separate me from the love of God.  

So this little gift, my friends, is what I carry with me.  Not a gift from me to you (although I truly hope my words and photos do speak to you), but instead a gift from God to me.  

Over the next week or two, as you stop in and read the blog and see photos on everything from food to art to crafts to the farm, I want you to remember 91 photos, that you are my gift.  You aren't simply "pretty photos", but instead represent the deepest marrow of my bones.

Love,

me 

real-life video of me

Friends, how are you?  Really and truly?  We are right smack in the midst of God working on our hearts and minds in a way bigger than ever before. I'm not really even sure what that means.  I just feel it.  Physically, mentally.  I've even taken to cleaning out my entire house.  It just feels like we need to be ready for something, although all we're being met with on the adoption front is silence.  I'm not really sure where He's leading (concerning adoption and some other things) and I am clinging to scripture like it's breath.  I find life funny, how all in a day I can be asking super hard questions about adoption/foster care/poverty/etc. and then be met with even harder answers that leave circles under my eyes and an ache so deep in my heart that I can scarcely breathe.  Yet also in the same day come the rhythms of being a stay-at-home mama.  Dishes, laundry, hugs and kisses, a pretend birthday party for puppy ("Bernard"), painting to keep my creativity alive, and cooking.  Thank goodness for the cooking and stacks of books and Gilmore Girls on Netflix and walks outside.  Thank goodness for birthday party planning and trip/adventure planning and silly girls and a garden to tend to.  These are the things that keep me chasing and following hard after the hard. Because of these little moments of good and happy I can do the hard.  God's word says "Be truly glad.  There is wonderful joy ahead."  1 Peter 1:6.

THIS is the truth I cling to today.  Where God is leading us, I just don't know.  I have a feeling it is going to be epically bigger than we originally thought.  But for now, you want to know what I did?  I was having the same conversation in my head a couple weeks ago about how much I adore social media and all the ideas and fun and laughs and prayers and so on.  But that I also understand how curated it can feel.  For example, if you only browse my IG you might think I mostly paint and do creative, fun things and eat delicious food.  Well, the food part is truth, but the rest is myth.  My life is actually much like yours and filled chores and settling in to my role as mama and wife.  And I like that.  So I thought it would be fun to set up my camera on the tripod for 20 minutes of clean-up and see what it looked like from the outside looking in.  

Enjoy the view, send prayers for our family as we walk this adoption road, and eat a delicious plate of food in my honor today friends.  Be back tomorrow! 

A song for our waiting hearts....

I heard this song for the first time in years and years and it was the truest representation of our waiting hearts for adoption that I could think of right now.  The song was found on a cd from college, back when everyone burned mixed cd's of all types of music.  It came on suddenly in the car when I was alone (rare) and I barely kept myself together.  The perfect song for the perfect time, many years after college is just a really fun, faint memory.  God is gracious like that, isn't he?

real life, rain, and risky business

Today I feel like I'm squeaking open the door to this blog, pushing cobwebs aside and quietly asking "Can I come in?"  If you've been around for long then it's no surprise to you that I crave and appreciate people who are real.  The ones that aren't afraid to muddle the mess and mystery of life with the magnificent.  Because the truth is, life is all of these things at once. 

Today perhaps it's the rain that has my thoughts spinning or a string of letters, scripture, and texts in my real life that have me ready to pen a few words.  I haven't blogged here much lately due to a desperate need of rest and space.  There are whole novels worth of things happening in our current life story that simply can't be crammed into a blog post or two.  For starters and a really big one, we're still a waiting family for adoption.  That means we're waiting and praying to be matched with the right birth mom and baby.  I've explained this so many times with a patient smile I could do it in my sleep.   The whole explanation makes it sound like we wait for the magical day when everything clicks together and all go skipping off into "happily ever after", but that isn't the case at all. 

With our adoption comes great loss for someone else.  There is no way around that and no happy way for me to express that.  It's a combination of both gain and loss.  In the meantime while we wait it selfishly feels hard.  I say selfishly because we are the lucky ones on the "gain" side. I can't imagine what the birth moms go through, day after day.  Yet each time we receive news of a child and things don't work out, I feel a bit more sad. I know without a doubt God has his perfect timing.  Someday we'll hold our baby and details will make sense. But for now, a lot of days after keeping up the house, being a good wife, mama, and friend, I feel like there's not much left.  So this summer I'm trying to pay attention to which things in my day-to-day feel life-giving and spark excitement in my soul.  Those things stay. 

Things like sketching and painting, taking photographs, styling a pretty photo, or decorating the house.  And travel and trying new experiences, from tasting a new food to planning a camping getaway.  

This summer has been very good for that.  Figuring out which things make my heart race, no matter what's happening in my outside world.  

As for blogging, I'd like to come back in the fall with plenty of food posts, some creative tutorials, and plenty of sharing our story as a growing family.  But can I be extremely honest? 

Sometimes it feels like risky business sharing even a tiny personal thought on this space.  Maybe something I wrote was taken the wrong way, or I didn't get back to a comment fast enough (ok, we know I almost never get back fast enough, lol).  Or sometimes I share emotional things like my journey with self-acceptance and find my inbox filled with readers wanting to pitch me a product or join a team and I really just wanted to express myself, not feel like I'm in desperate need of help.  It just gets tricky being real on the Internet sometimes, or at least in my experience it does because people feel they really know every nook and cranny of my heart.  Yet this blog space can only hold so much heart.  There actually IS something to real life, human touch, and words spoken aloud that these keys can't compute. 

So for this summer I guess I'm also trying to bridge the gap between my real life and this space.  My real life people know I am one of the biggest foodies you'll ever meet and I think the scale is highly overrated.  That I'm a size 8 and please don't make me feel like pre-baby weight is in and I'm out. That Gilmore Girls is my favorite t.v. series ever in the history of ever, that I'm not always rosy but usually am, that sometimes I talk a lot and sometimes I don't, that I adore having a house full and prefer no makeup and paint on my hands.  That I want to make Jesus known and adored and my rosy side fights my sometimes depressed side.  The rosy/Jesus side always, always wins. 

I can't not be authentic in my real life, it's physically impossible for me.  I've never been one to mask emotions well.  So it makes sense I can't do the same here either.  In this figuring out season and waiting season and unknown season, I'll still keep my promise on this side of the computer screen to be full-blown real life with you.  When it's the right time I'll come back with a fun schedule and fresh coat of paint for the blog.  And we'll have loads of fun together.  Until then, I'm going to figure out what makes my heart skip beats, pray for our baby to come, and be the best mama, wife, and friend I can.  I'll see you soon. 

what waiting on adoption means

I get asked about our adoption almost every single day.  I'm grateful each time someone asks because it means they're interested or need help understanding the process.  Both of which I'm happy to oblige and answer with as much information as I can. 

No, this isn't a post to announce anything major, but rather to share our hearts and where we are in the process.  I will most definitely let you know someday down the road when we have news to share! Until then, let me give you a peek into what waiting looks like for us. 

First, you must know our thoughts on adoption have altered a bit since starting the process.  We have never wavered in our belief that God strongly put adoption on our hearts and asked us to obey him by following through and actually doing something about it.  But at first we thought we would start the process, be matched, and be done.  And judging from the questions I get from most people, that seems to be the thought that we are raised up believing about adoption.  It simply isn't true.  I have quickly realized just as there are many, many ways to make a family, there are so very many roads that lead to adoption.  It isn't "one story fits all".  So the details that make up our story may vary completely from someone's else's adoption.  And that's ok. 

We are using Bethany Christian Services as our agency.  We put a lot of thought, prayer, and discussion into this decision and have felt confident in them from day one.  This is in large part due to the honoring of all involved in the adoption process, including (especially) the birth mom.  

I'm sure you remember me sharing that we started the adoption process in August and finished our paperwork/training/etc. in late January.  So what have we been up to since January? Waiting and praying.  What that means is we are waiting to be matched with our baby and there is no average time limit on the wait.  It could be tomorrow (oh please, oh please!) or it could be next year.  The birth mom will be the one matching us with her baby.  It is her choice.  

So for now we wait to hear about a baby needing a family and we pray.  We don't just pray the baby is to join our family, we pray for the baby.  Because I've quickly figured out that little tiny lives are needing a forever family and whether they join my family or not, I want them to be held and snuggled and fed and taken.  

Some days I'm able to answer these questions very matter of fact.  Other days I hear Christy Nockel's song "Waiting here for you" in the car and tears immediately start pouring out of my eyes.  It is hard to wait and we are so ready to hold our baby.  I pray for our birth mom every single day.  We haven't met, but I want so much for her.

If you have other questions please feel free to ask.  I'll write as much as I feel comfortable or have permission to say. 

Until then, please pray our sweet baby joins our family at just the right time. 

We are all a beautiful story: The story behind the art and a special

Thank-you all for your enthusiasm and encouragement this week as I've peeled back the layers on my art and shared the story behind it.  There is truly a connection to each piece of art I create.  Sometimes I forget others can't see inside my crazy thoughts and forget to share the story that is behind each piece.  This has been fun for me too! 

"We are all a beautiful story" is a piece I painted first many, many months ago in my art journal.  Then I painted another piece (the one you see here) just a few weeks ago, as adoption was pounding on my heart.  If you've been around the blog for long, you know that I truly believe this.  From the people in my community that serve me a smile (like at the post office or the grocery store), to the family members that love us so big, each is beautiful.  Ann Voskamp has a quote that says a big heart will trump a big title every time.  I have to agree.  I don't think big titles, tons of Etsy sales, or thousands of IG followers is what makes our story more beautiful than someone else's.  I think it's all about the love.  People are really interesting.  I am fascinated by people-where they've come from, where they are now, where they're headed.  

As we started our adoption process our thinking was mainly one-sided.  Us.  That's mostly all we were thinking about.  As we began to work with Bethany Christian Services our thinking and hearts expanded to make room for the beautiful soul that is also a part of our story now-our birth mom.  Not a day goes by that we don't pray for her (multiple times), think about her, and honor her.  

I told our case worker that most of the questions I was getting so far were about the process and how when I keep speaking about the birth mom a lot of people don't understand.  She reminded me that maybe I could be a voice to help change the perspective on adoption.  So today, will you join me in praying for our birth mom (no, we haven't met her yet), and all the other beautiful, brave souls across the world who are united in this miracle called adoption. We are each a part of the other's story, none more important than the other.  

And will you see those around you as beautiful stories today? 

As living, breathing, walking, interesting stories? 

(as always, you can purchase this 8x10 art print here for half-price at $9 for one-day only!)

our adoption

Back when we first had Anna Ruth and we were such new parents, it seems like I blogged a ton of details about my kid.  Things like the moment their first tooth popped up and desperate questions about sleep (or lack there of).  Then along came Betsy and it was survivor mode, having two precious girls 17 months apart and the details got less blogged.  Which leads me to where I am now. Certainly not the same parent I was with one tiny, overwhelming newborn.  I've learned I love to share my heart on art and lessons in general God is teaching me on the blog.  Delving into parenting topics or family matters is a whole different ballgame.  For the most part, I like to keep this stuff to myself.  I have a close circle of gals I can reach out to if need be, but this blog is mostly for recording memories.

With that said, many of you in real life have asked about our adoption.  I've put off writing about it because it's this wonderful, new, sometimes overwhelming, bittersweet adventure we're on and finding words to put to it is a challenge.  You may be stuck on the word "bittersweet" that I just wrote.  Long ago, when we were first married and talking adoption, the only image we had was of gathering our darling baby in our arms, marveling at what they looked like and what personality they would have.  We now have a very different image in mind.  We picture our darling baby and can't wait to figure out who they are and when they'll show up in our home (our hearts are already stolen for them).  But this time, we also picture the precious expectant mama who is such a special person to us.  We don't know her yet, but we pray for her daily.  Our story is intertwined with hers.  And to get painfully honest, while we're celebrating a tremendous gain (our new baby!) she is enduring a tremendous loss. Bittersweet…. 

I've had many questions, like "How long will you wait?" or "Will it be a boy or girl?"

At Bethany Christian Services they do things a bit different and we like that.  They truly believe that God has a perfect match for your family, that no time limit can be stamped on, no gender specified.  In about a week, we will be an official "waiting" family.  That doesn't mean we wait on a list for the next baby.  It means we wait until we're perfectly matched in God's best timing with our baby. The expectant mama will be the one to choose our family.  

So it could be this spring or next fall or winter.  We are trying not to get impatient because we are so truly overjoyed for our baby.  I've been asked a lot how the girls feel and my answer is "very excited!" .  So excited.  We've had several home visits throughout the course of our journey and each time they've thought our baby was coming.  They cannot wait to have baby home with us. 

I've prayerfully written this post.  It hasn't taken me long to realize adoption is  another topic people feel really (really) passionate about.  I pray I've written this in a way to honor our journey and given you a peek into what it's been like behind-the-scenes the past few months.  

If you have any additional questions please feel free to ask (I'll probably answer depending on the question-ha!) or feel free to check out Bethany Christian Service's website.  We are so thankful for them.  

We have big news.

Friends, it is with great excitement Brett, the girls, and I want to share that we're adopting!

Long before Brett and I even met as young adults, the seed of adoption was planted in both of our hearts.  Once married, it was no surprise at all when we began to discuss building a family, adoption included.  We might not have known how or when or where, but we knew adoption would be woven into our family story. 

Fast forward to a couple of years ago…through scripture, prayer, and various other avenues we felt the call of adoption getting louder and stronger, yet still the time wasn't quite right. We just had that feeling to hold on and wait.  And so we did, continuing to cover this chapter of our story in prayer. 

Last July, something clicked.  Brett and I both absolutely knew it was time.  We attended our first meeting with Bethany Christian Services and have been steadily working on paperwork, book reading, online courses, and home studies ever since.  I am happy to say we are almost officially (like so close) to being a "waiting family."  And then we do just that.  We pray for our baby, our birth mom, and to be matched at just the right time.  We don't know if it will be one month or one year. 

In the meantime, we're delighted to share our news with you!

We are beyond excited to see what God has in store for us this year.