real life, rain, and risky business

Today I feel like I'm squeaking open the door to this blog, pushing cobwebs aside and quietly asking "Can I come in?"  If you've been around for long then it's no surprise to you that I crave and appreciate people who are real.  The ones that aren't afraid to muddle the mess and mystery of life with the magnificent.  Because the truth is, life is all of these things at once. 

Today perhaps it's the rain that has my thoughts spinning or a string of letters, scripture, and texts in my real life that have me ready to pen a few words.  I haven't blogged here much lately due to a desperate need of rest and space.  There are whole novels worth of things happening in our current life story that simply can't be crammed into a blog post or two.  For starters and a really big one, we're still a waiting family for adoption.  That means we're waiting and praying to be matched with the right birth mom and baby.  I've explained this so many times with a patient smile I could do it in my sleep.   The whole explanation makes it sound like we wait for the magical day when everything clicks together and all go skipping off into "happily ever after", but that isn't the case at all. 

With our adoption comes great loss for someone else.  There is no way around that and no happy way for me to express that.  It's a combination of both gain and loss.  In the meantime while we wait it selfishly feels hard.  I say selfishly because we are the lucky ones on the "gain" side. I can't imagine what the birth moms go through, day after day.  Yet each time we receive news of a child and things don't work out, I feel a bit more sad. I know without a doubt God has his perfect timing.  Someday we'll hold our baby and details will make sense. But for now, a lot of days after keeping up the house, being a good wife, mama, and friend, I feel like there's not much left.  So this summer I'm trying to pay attention to which things in my day-to-day feel life-giving and spark excitement in my soul.  Those things stay. 

Things like sketching and painting, taking photographs, styling a pretty photo, or decorating the house.  And travel and trying new experiences, from tasting a new food to planning a camping getaway.  

This summer has been very good for that.  Figuring out which things make my heart race, no matter what's happening in my outside world.  

As for blogging, I'd like to come back in the fall with plenty of food posts, some creative tutorials, and plenty of sharing our story as a growing family.  But can I be extremely honest? 

Sometimes it feels like risky business sharing even a tiny personal thought on this space.  Maybe something I wrote was taken the wrong way, or I didn't get back to a comment fast enough (ok, we know I almost never get back fast enough, lol).  Or sometimes I share emotional things like my journey with self-acceptance and find my inbox filled with readers wanting to pitch me a product or join a team and I really just wanted to express myself, not feel like I'm in desperate need of help.  It just gets tricky being real on the Internet sometimes, or at least in my experience it does because people feel they really know every nook and cranny of my heart.  Yet this blog space can only hold so much heart.  There actually IS something to real life, human touch, and words spoken aloud that these keys can't compute. 

So for this summer I guess I'm also trying to bridge the gap between my real life and this space.  My real life people know I am one of the biggest foodies you'll ever meet and I think the scale is highly overrated.  That I'm a size 8 and please don't make me feel like pre-baby weight is in and I'm out. That Gilmore Girls is my favorite t.v. series ever in the history of ever, that I'm not always rosy but usually am, that sometimes I talk a lot and sometimes I don't, that I adore having a house full and prefer no makeup and paint on my hands.  That I want to make Jesus known and adored and my rosy side fights my sometimes depressed side.  The rosy/Jesus side always, always wins. 

I can't not be authentic in my real life, it's physically impossible for me.  I've never been one to mask emotions well.  So it makes sense I can't do the same here either.  In this figuring out season and waiting season and unknown season, I'll still keep my promise on this side of the computer screen to be full-blown real life with you.  When it's the right time I'll come back with a fun schedule and fresh coat of paint for the blog.  And we'll have loads of fun together.  Until then, I'm going to figure out what makes my heart skip beats, pray for our baby to come, and be the best mama, wife, and friend I can.  I'll see you soon.