Years that ask questions and years that answer (our closed foster care home)

 I've been putting this blog post off, shoving it to the back of my mind to let the cobwebs gather.  I just haven't known how to write it or where to start, but today I feel just brave enough to wipe the cobwebs away and take a stab at putting this into words.  May I also say that I'm here not because I feel like I owe the internet an explanation for anything, but because the passion and heartache and need behind foster care is too big to keep quiet.  Plus I keep getting asked questions when I'm out and about and I'd rather just let everyone know so I don't have to keep repeating myself. 

We closed our home to foster care after our little one moved to their new foster home. In short, we didn't ask for them to move or make this decision. 

I have no doubts that it was the right decision for us to close our home after though.  When praying about, discussing, or making these kinds of choices I communicate with Brett and then the girls and that's it.  In the past I've looked wildly around for any kind of feedback or reaction from others to "help" guide my way but it hasn't ever served me well.  So I won't go into great detail in such a public space about our decision, but you can be sure it was the right one for us to make.  But still, more painful than most realize.  

With that said, even though our home may be closed (meaning we aren't taking foster care placements), our hearts definitely are not.  This is a very hard thing to try and describe quickly!  I have been asked "So you're still taking other kids, right?" too many times to count lately and the surprised reaction I get when I answer just feels like such a let down.  As in, like we're letting others down.  For the record, I don't feel like we've let anyone or anything down.  It's just my sensitive heart's reaction to others that I have to keep in check. 

So what do I mean by "Our home is closed, but not our hearts" ?  Well, in short it means that there are so many different needs in the foster care world and every single day I still wake up with foster care on my heart and in my mind.  I expected we'd close our home and that little season of life would move on, my heart and thoughts moving along with it.  But it hasn't.  

Since we closed our home a couple of months ago we have been taking time to find our new normal and try to heal up a bit from the heartache of saying goodbye to our little one.  This is easier said than done.  Can I just say I'm also surprised by people's reactions when I say we had our little one six months and they act like "why are you still so heartbroken?".  May I gently ask-how did you feel about your child after "only" six months?  Would you be able to say goodbye and move on super fast and easily?  

Within the past couple of months we've also been praying about how to help next.  It's been difficult to know how to share our journey without coming across as sounding preachy.  You guys, I read so many posts and updates before we became an open home that didn't encourage me at all to help, but instead just left me feeling rotten because of the ultimatum type statements made about how we SHOULD be doing foster care.  These always felt kind of harsh to me.  That's never my intent here.  I actually don't think every single family should be a foster family.  BUT, I do think there is tremendous need that most of us have no idea about, in the foster care world.  I think most of us have  no idea about the heartache, trauma, and need, happening just minutes from our front doors.  I used to leave the DHS office, and look just a few feet over at the Barnes and Noble and Chick-fil-a full of happy families, and wonder how so much "normal" life was swirling around this building where there are literal angels doing the hardest work on the planet, where children are experiencing trauma we choose to know nothing about. You all, there is TREMENDOUS need and there are a million ways to help, big or small.  I think *almost* all of us, whether you're a Christian or not, can help and should.  I add the Christian part, because I am one and God could not be more clear in his word about taking care of the orphans.  And the orphans abound where I live and I'm sure where you live too.  

So what if you're like me and maybe you don't feel called to take in foster kids but you DO feel called to help?  What if instead of a few people doing a LOT of hard work, we all stepped in to help and lessened the load for others? 

 Let me give you a few small examples: 

Did you know there is a foster care clothing closet?  Think for just a minute-it doesn't get stocked, organized, and shopped all by itself.  Is this your strength?  This is a way to help.  Have nice clothes, baby items, or kid items to donate?  Contact The Call on FB!

Do you love to cook?  People outside of the foster care world don't typically understand (at all) how much "extra" there is with a foster child.  And most foster families have sibling sets, not just one child like we did.  Between the extra activities, therapies, appointments, etc.  taking dinner to a family is a lifesaver.  We had people bring us food a couple of times and it just took a load off.  SO, if you love to cook why not donate some freezer meals to The Call foster care ministry or ask for a family you can bless with a meal.  Don't like to cook?  Buy a pre-made meal or gift card to a restaurant or even drop off groceries.  ANYTHING HELPS. 

The first night we had our little one was unlike anything I'd experienced before. I'll just leave it at that.  It was traumatic.  My sister brought over a giant gift basket with things for our baby and for us too.  This kind gesture still sticks out in my mind as just grace and love in real life form.  Like, I'm gulping tears typing that.  

Project Zero is a non-profit organization in Little Rock, AR that seeks to find homes for children in foster care.  There are many opportunities to volunteer your time, gifts, money, or talents. 

Did you know you can volunteer to be a FFSS (I believe I got that right) family?  This means you can be a Foster Family Support System for an actual foster family.  In short, you fill out some paperwork and then have permission to watch a family's foster kids for up to 72 hours.  I have no words to describe how badly foster parents need a break.  But they are only allowed to leave their foster kids with a FFSS family.  Foster kiddos have been through so much trauma already that it would really benefit them to have another loving, stable family that they know they can stay with for a few hours.  I heard over and over that foster families didn't have ANYONE willing to be their support family and so they just never got a break.  Again, couldn't we all help and then lessen the load?

Another opportunity to serve I can quickly think of is being a CASA volunteer.  This is a volunteer that is an advocate for foster kids in the court room.  We had the best CASA lady I could have imagined helping with our little one.  She was thorough, kind, gentle, and truly wanted the best for our little one.  I'm sure you can google how to be a CASA volunteer!

My last thoughts are: Don't leave your friends or church members out who are foster families! Also, don't assume their lives are just the same as before, but with a few more kids.  Both are false.  Foster families want to be involved in things!  I will say there were certain times I was invited to things and then others shared horror story after horror story about foster care with me while making small talk.  Just FYI, don't do that. (lol)  It's like when moms share their most horrible birthing story with a pregnant mom.  It's just not helpful or restful in my opinion. 

But also, DO know that a foster families life has changed drastically.  I remember often feeling like we were barely keeping our heads above water, but because our little one looked like they could have been mine we would go out and no one knew the true story happening in our home.  I don't mean that we should have gone around breaking privacy rules sharing details of our story or anything like that.  I just mean, when the foster families around you are "quiet", it's most likely because they aren't allowed to share pics or details or they just don't know how to articulate what's going on.  It doesn't mean that life has smoothly sailing along.  I would encourage you to be there for both the highs and the lows. 

Because there were many of both. 

Adoption was a dream of mine for years and years.  In fact, when I hear the word or read a story about it, it still makes me cry.  There's a quote I've heard often that basically says to pay attention to your tears.  I sure do.  Usually what makes me tear up quickly and consistently is hitting on a nerve in my heart that God isn't done with yet.  Why did our story "end", at least for now, without adoption being a part?  I don't know.  But at least for now we have the honor of remaining a bit broken, which in turn gives us eyes to see the needs around us and a heart desperate to help. 

"There are years that ask questions and years that answer."-Zora Neale Hurston 

Before becoming an open foster care home, we had a year that asked a LOT of questions. 

Our year as a foster care home answered many of them.

Now I suppose we're back to another year of questions, and that's ok. 

Our family was tremendously changed (for the better!) by serving as a foster care family.  Not a single regret here.  Now to see what's next!

Do you have additional questions? 

Will you consider how you can be a light for someone living in darkness?

Praying this hits you the right way.  This post was hard for me to write and I must have swallowed a dozen times while typing, trying not to cry.  I hope you hear my heart clearly and with grace and grit shining through.