Happy FRI-YAY! High-fives all around because we did it. We conquered another week! Hopefully this week felt like more than simply conquering and had pockets of joy, surprise, curiosity, and wonder included.
Let's sit down and have an honest chat, shall we?
Brett and I share many a conversation in the kitchen, which is really the true heart of our home. It was during the nightly ritual of washing the dishes and tidying the counters that I passionately told my dear husband what I really want people to know. To know about us and foster care and doing hard things in general.
It's this: It isn't all hard and stressful and tear-filled and knots in your stomach.
It's.....fun and adventurous.
I feel like I should whisper those words and then squeeze my eyes shut for a minute to let it sink in before I see your reaction. Deciding on purpose (or even not) to do anything that the world deems "hard" certainly isn't the most popular choice around. People just don't get it typically or else very quickly claim they admire you but could "NEVER do that myself! NEVER do that to my kids". But what I've noticed lately is that people REALLY don't get the full scope of what jumping off a cliff does for your soul and family. You don't just crash and burn and then spend the rest of your days wandering the wasteland that is now your hard, purpose-driven life, ruined kids in tow. That's so far from the truth!
You fly.
You soar.
You grab hands and do hard things together.
You become bolder, braver, riskier, and more adventurous.
You have FUN.
There is a certain freedom I am personally experiencing and also experiencing in my marriage and family because we, through Jesus, have conquered some really big things the past year since becoming a foster care family. (head lice and a court room being just two of a whole list) Having these freedoms on your resume puts things in perspective very quickly. Quite simply, it just makes most of the "problems" we use to experience seem so small, so hardly worth our time! It puts a priceless tag on fun and silliness and the ridiculous to balance the rest.
Some days are for sure, more than we/I can handle. They make me want to hide under the covers and I do! Some songs certainly stir my heart so deeply I have to gulp back tears. Certain facts about our personal foster care story have broken my heart more than I feel it can be repaired. However, this seems to be just about the only thing the general public wants to zoom in on when they look at our lives through a foster care lens. It's all true, I won't deny it or rosy things up.
BUT, it's not a fair view. We do all this and we also have popcorn and pizza nights, we have dance parties all day long in our house and car, we do date nights, we laugh hard at Jim Gaffigan dvd's, we read good books, we download new music and play it on repeat. We talk about the silly and the serious, we plan trips for spring and summer, we dream about landscaping and gardening. I paint and decorate and get too many ideas to ever accomplish. I take care of my health and see the chiropractor and get hair cuts and think about my style as a 30-something year old. We eat really fantastic food and hang the string lights and send the texts to friends. We blow up balloons just because we can, we watch our number 3 child grow and get kisses straight on the mouth and giggle and delight and squeal at the cuteness. We laugh a LOT. Just this week alone I laughed so hard I tried to hold my cheeks still because they ached.
What I want you to know is that we can do hard things and we can simultaneously have fun.
We can be both soft and hard at the same time.
We CAN take a child in and love them, and then give them back. At least I'm banking on this absolute because I have seen other people walk this road ahead of me and if I'm choosing who to follow, they're it.
Not the ones cowering in the corner, too afraid that foster care will wreck their vacations and schedule and lives and hearts. (spoiler alert: it will, but the reward is FAR greater than the life left behind)
I want to pay close attention to the ones who do hard things and also have so much fun in this great adventure we call life. Sometimes we dream, dance, and despair all in the same day.
But let's not just focus on the despair or disappointments. Let's remember the dance.
Now, I want you to ask. Ask me what you want to know about foster care in general. I obviously can't/won't give details about our specific case, but if you have questions in general ask away in the comments, email me (sunshinebysara@hotmail.com), or leave a comment on my IG post.
(This idea totally inspired by Meg Duerksen of the Craft House, because she is a fellow foster mama and asked her followers for their questions. )
You write powerfully and beautifully, Sara! I love it when you said we can be hard and soft at the same time, and that sometimes we dance, dream and despair in the same day. What a true and beautiful picture of life you have painted with your words, out of your heart. Blessings on your family as you dance together in the name of love. ❤️
ReplyDeleteFirst.... I admire you for “fostering”.... it requires a set of skills that most people don’t have or don’t wish to cultivate. Being retired educators, my husband and I have witnessed the good, bad and ugly of fostering and have family and friends who have fostered (some were able to adopt). It can be heartbreaking, yet mind expanding and definitely rewarding.
ReplyDeleteIn California, my dear friends had a fostering experience that really hit me hard, emotionally. They received their baby girl as a two day old, and were told the mother had two other children taken from her, so it would be very likely they could eventually adopt her. For years they’ve wanted to adopt, and thought fostering would be the first step in their journey. To make a long story short, on the day their foster daughter turned one, the judge awarded the bio-mom her baby back. Back to a mother with addiction problems, a gang affiliation, and a limited intellectual and emotional ability to care for this child. It was a truly sad situation, affecting the social worker on this case, so much he left his job for another one in a different part of the state.
The problem.... a court system and laws that give bio-parents another chance if they complete all the steps of their recovery and probation. I worry about the little girl’s development.... leaving an environment rich with books, conversation, experiences that broaden her horizons and filled with loving people (most are educators, still working and retired). The year of fostering set a foundation for her development, but she has lost a lot of her vocabulary in being awarded to her bio-mom.
There is a chapter of this story that is uplifting! The foster family is still in contact with the bio-mom, are mentoring her, and have even been asked to watch the little girl for a weekend. It’s an unusual outcome, that ripped out the hearts of everyone involved, but it’s becoming a workable solution. It’s our belief that if something happens to the bio-mom, she trusts the fostering family and will rely on them to care for her growing toddler. Life is not a smooth road!
My question(s) for you....
do fostering families in your state have a support system to help you weather the roller coaster ride of fostering?
do you have friends who meet for play dates with the children they foster?
would you foster older children? like elementary school-age? or will you foster only babies?
your daughters are young.... how do they feel about having another little one?
what is your favorite memory of impacting the development of this child?
Sorry for the lengthy comment and questions, but I thought you had written a heart-felt post and I felt compelled to respond.
My husband was the county Homeless & Foster Youth Educational Coordinator.... so he worked with school districts to provide for these students educational needs (transportation, facilitated school records to transfer from district to district, provided gift cards to replace clothes, school supplies left behind or lost in transferring students, etc) and worked with the county social services divisions and judicial system to care for the most vulnerable students in our county.
It’s challenging work, but I admire your family for opening your hearts and home to a child in need.